I’m not crazy… I’m just a little unwell

I. Thou shalt not consort with people who make thee feel bad about thyself. II. Thou shalt cease trying to make sense out of crazy behavior.

III. Thou shalt not keep company with those more dysfunctional than thyself.

IV. Trust thy body all the days of thy life (thy mind doth fornicate with thee).

V. Thou has permission at all times to say “NO,” to change thy mind, and to express thy true feelings.

VI. What is not right for thee is also not right for thy brethren.

VII. Thou shalt not give beyond thine own capacity.

VIII. What thy brethren think of thee mattereth naught.

IX. Wherever thou art, therein also is the party.

X. Thou shalt sing thine own praises all the days of thy life.

by Catherine Cardinal

Filed under: inspirational, quote on February 27th, 2008 | 3 Comments »

for 3 days now… 3 days I’ve been happy… Really happy… outside… I sing all the time… I dance all the time…
Inside I’m sad… I’m warm and I’m burning… but still I manage to be happy, to have fun, to laugh…
I’m so proud of what I have accomplish in the last few days…
I just hope that there is no storm or flood coming soon to overcome this sunshine in my life…

you know how BPD’s life goes… for us it isn’t the sun after the rain but the storm after the sun!

SUN, SUN, Please do stay

Don’t you dare go away

off to spend some time with my parents and kids…

Wishing everyone a great weekend!!

Filed under: about me on February 23rd, 2008 | 3 Comments »

When someone tells me
“It’s about time you make a decision of what you want to do with your life?”
or
“Don’t you think that it’s time for your to grow up and do something of yourself?”

I just can’t frustrated and so annoyed. What do they know about time? What do they know about me?
I hate the fact that everything is about time!
Time is money!
Hurry will be late!

Why do people rely so much on time, clock, minute, hour and years!

Am I wrong not to rely on time? I don’t care if I’m 12 or 33 years old! I just care about if I’m doing well.
For me and good day is not about how much things I manage to do in many hours it is how well I manage to keep myself focus on being well.

I also use to look at my life as: “wow it is 10 o’clock already. Wow I manage to stay alive another hour!” How pathetic is that!

And please don’t you dare reminded me that
“life is to short to waste it on being stuck in your problems!”

WTF? I wish I could tell them
“actually, time is to long! For me it is all in slow motion. Time is not going fast enough. My pain, my fear, all that is on my mind, the ceaseless worrying, excessive self-reflection, and troubling sensory distortion– makes every hours stretch, stretch, stretch until just the simple fact to live is all to overwhelming.”

and an other one:

“time flies when you are having fun!”

Really I haven’t notice. Maybe ’cause it is so dam hard for me to stay focus on the fact that I’m actually  having fun. Having fun just to have fun is not easy for me!

I will be happy, I will be when I will. If it takes me 6 months or 6 years, who cares? Not me!

Who needs time, anyway?

Filed under: about me on February 22nd, 2008 | No Comments »

Self Concept - Info and Exercise

Theory
Self concept is made up of three components.
1. Who I think I am
2. Who others think I am.
3. Who I would like to be

-When the three components complement each other then the person is “well-adjusted.”
-Conflict is a result of disagreeing viewpoints: ‘Who I think I am’ is out of joint with ‘Who others think I am.’ The same is true of all the components.
-Self concept is learned and can be changed. In a climate of trust and acceptance, through self-disclosure and feedback and reality testing, we can begin to effect a change in self-concept.

1. able to give orders
2. appreciative
3. adaptable
4. assertive
5. aggressive
6. affectionate
7. anxious
8. ambitious
9. authoritative
10. agreeable
11. bitter
12. bossy
13. brave
14. calm
15. cheerful
16. complicated
17. co-operative
18. cold
19. critical
20. creative
21. controlled
22. clever
23. conforming
24. confident
25. demanding
26. dependent
27. determined
28. distrustful
29. disciplined
30. dutiful
31. domineering
32. energetic
33. extroverted
34. efficient
35. follower
36. frank
37. friendly
38. forgiving
39. fair
40.gentle
41 genuine
42. generous
43. giving
44. greedy
45. gullible
46. happy
47. helpless
48. helpful
49. hostile
50. hard-boiled
51. idealistic
52. imaginative
53. insensitive
54. independent
55. impatient
56. intuitive
57. intelligent
58. jealous
59. jovial
60. kind
61. knowledgeable
62. lazy
63. loving
64. liberal
65. manipulative
66. motherly
67. modest
68. mysterious
69. naive
70. nervous
71. noisy
72. observant
73. outspoken
74. obedient
75. organized
76. overprotective
77. passive
78. proud
79. patient
80. playful
81. perceptive
82. powerful
83. protective
84. questioning
85. quiet
86. rational
87. rebellious
88. relaxed
89. religious
90. reflective
91. reserved
92. rigid
93. sarcastic
94. searching
95. shy
96. shrewd
97. sensitive
98. selfish
99. strong
100. stubborn
101. stable
102. straightforward
103. sympathetic
104. tender
105. touchy
106. tense
107. tough
108. trusting
109. thoughtful
110. timid
111. unaware
112. uncertain
113. unpredictable
114. vain
115. vulnerable
116. warm
117. wise
118. withdrawn
119. well-behaved
120. wistful
121. witty
122. worried

1. Make a list of the adjectives that describe who you are. “I am……”

2. Make a list of the adjectives that you imagine other people would use to describe you. “I imagine others see me as…..”

3. Make a list of the adjectives that you would like to incorporate into your personality. “I would like to be…..”

4. Get feedback from people you trust and are comfortable with, if possible. A couple of friends could get together and choose the adjectives that they would use to describe each other. “My friend is……..”

Filed under: exercise on February 21st, 2008 | No Comments »

Satir, Virginia. “People Making.” Palo Alto, California: Science And Behavior Books, Inc., 1972

“I am me.

In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. There are persons who have some parts like me, but no one adds up exactly like me. Therefore, everything that comes out of me is authentically mine because I alone chose it.

I own everything about me - my body including everything it does; my mind, including all its thoughts and ideas; my eyes, including the images of all they behold; my feelings, whatever they may be - anger, joy, frustration, love, disappointment, excitement; my mouth, and the words that come out of it, polite, sweet or rough, correct or incorrect: my voice, loud or soft; and all my actions, whether they be to others or to myself.

I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears.

I own all my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.

Because I own all of me, I can become intimately aquainted with me. By so doing I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts. I can then make it possible for all of me to work in my best interests.

I know there are aspects of me that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know. But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for the solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is me. This is authentic and represents where I am at that moment in time.

When I review later how I looked and sounded, what I said and did, and how I thought and felt, some parts may turn out to be unfitting. I can discard that which is unfitting, and keep that which proved fitting, and invent something new for that which I discarded.

I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.

I own me, and therefore I can engineer me. I am me and I am O.K.”

Filed under: inspirational, motivation on February 21st, 2008 | No Comments »

So many time over the years, People have asked me what I want to do with my life. I haven’t live a “normal” life they says. I know I don’t have a “normal” life by their definition. But, I live my life as “normal” as I can.

So what does it mean living a “normal” life. Is there a standard to define a “normal” life. I think everyone defines “normal” based on what is important to them: what is “normal” and desirable for one may not be the same for another. So why does people still wants me to find a meaning to my life? People close to me also talk about how they hates having to take care of a grown up child. Me a grow up child? I don’t think so. Why do I have to be like them or be what they want me to be? I feel like I am not doing enough with my life for them. I know I’ve made lots of progress with myself in the past years. But, still sometime they said it doesn’t matter cause I still don’t have a “normal” life and that I’m not even close to one. You know, even if I was “normal”, I wouldn’t want their kind of “normal” life. Don’t get me wrong… I have nothing against their “normal” life… but since I have come to like parts of my “un-normal” life, I would like to keep them and  maybe mix it up with the “normal” life I should have!!!

I don’t even know who I am! I struggle with my identity everyday. I don’t know what I want. I struggle everyday to figure out what I will do with myself? What would make me happy? I have to look at the people to define a “normal” sense for my life.  And don’t ask me about the challenge of having to deal with a relationship and a family…  maybe having kids help me out… I don’t want to loose them… so maybe it push me to be more careful.

Everyone is different. Everyone even those with personality disorder… we all have the disorder… but not all the same symptoms.

Is it possible to live a normal life with Borderline Personality Disorder? I wonder!!!  I also suspect that actually people living with us… can’t be living a “normal” life… not with our daily (even hours or minutes) I’m so HAPPY highs and I want to die lows.

Actually… I believe we can live a “normal” life. We just have to work harder and be strong.  Everything is possible in life!!!

Filed under: about me, bpd, family, relationship on February 20th, 2008 | 2 Comments »

It was a hard lesson but I know now that for creating myself a new image it all begins with changing how I talk to myself every single day.

Did it ever happen to you:

I wake up in the morning. I spill my glass of milk. I go into the shower, there is no hot water. Then I tell myself what a terrible day this is. Throughout the day, I will only focus on what will go wrong. Then it is easy to convince myself at the end of the day that this was the worst day ever for me.

But when I just laugh at silly things and focus on the positive, then I can have a great day. It is possible. I focus on the good thing. I have faith that I will overcome this bad luck I had in the morning.

To change your way of thinking isn’t easy. It is hard work but at the end it is all worth it. For me it took 5 months just to see a small change. But after 2 years I can proudly say that I did so much progress.

Step I took
1 Be aware of my thoughts: For weeks I wrote down about my negative feeling, my negative thoughts.
2 I use a piece of paper folded long ways down the middle: on one side write your negative thought and on the other side write down a correction to the thought, as well as a goal.
3 I then use a black pen and cross out each negative thought. As I’m crossing them out, I tell myself these thoughts no longer have any control over me.
4 I also ask myself:
- Do I take credit for positive events, or chalk them up to chance?
- Do I expect more good things to follow, or do I view positive happenings as a fluke?
- What about negative events? Do I blame myself, or look at extenuating circumstances?
- Do I look at one negative event as evidence of more to come (like an omen)?
- Do I tend to encourage myself mentally, or do I berate myself inside?
- Would I talk to a friend or a precious child the way I talk to myself?
- Do I tend to ‘catastrophise’, or see and expect the worst?

Filed under: about me, motivation, recovery on February 19th, 2008 | 2 Comments »

“The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.”

– Maureen Dowd

Filed under: quote on February 19th, 2008 | No Comments »

I don’t need a lot of things
I can get by with nothing
Of all the blessings life can bring
I’ve always needed something
But I’ve got all I want
When it comes to loving you
You’re my only reason
You’re my only truth

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven’s gate
There’s a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you

You’re the hope that moves me
To courage again
You’re the love that rescues me
When the cold winds, rage
And it’s so amazing
’cause that’s just how you are
And I can’t turn back now
’cause you’ve brought me too far

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven’s gate
There’s a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you
Oh yes I do

I need you like water
Like breath, like rain
I need you like mercy
From heaven’s gate
There’s a freedom in your arms
That carries me through
I need you
Oh yes I do
I need you
I need you
LeAnn Rimes

Filed under: relationship, song, video on February 18th, 2008 | No Comments »

I hate having insomnia.
I hate to know that time for sleep is getting shorter every minutes.
I hate to count the hours I have left to sleep.
I hate just laying awake worrying about things.
I hate that my head is just over take by so much thoughts.
I hate when my heart rate increased and I’m out of breath.
I hate being unable to close my eyes
I hate not being able to “rest their mind”.
I hate having an overactive mind.
I hate being awake when I should be asleep.

Nadine

Filed under: about me, poem on February 18th, 2008 | No Comments »